first loves

Archive, Writing

spines tingle
worlds touch

hearts melt
a total rush

Control

Archive, Writing

He grabs my hand and never lets go
Sounds sweet at first, but I want to roam
I push and shove and tug to get away
But he’s determined to make me stay.

I fight his grasp, lose control
It seems better to let this piece of me go
Cut off my hand and let him keep hold
Of a piece of me.

Just one piece.

Naive.

Once he’s got my hand to lead me where he wants
He craves control of my legs to force me to run
Do things faster, go places I don’t want to go
He rushes me down these scary roads.

Maybe if I let him take that control,
It’ll be enough.
Just one more piece.

Silly.

Now he’s fighting to take everything I have,
As he drags me down these dangerous paths,
He’s taken my voice so I can’t ask
Where we’re heading, what’ll be here

But I know he can smell my fear.

I can’t fight back
Haven’t the strength to push
No courage to run
No desire to be my own person

I need him.
He controls me for the better.
It’s scary and it’s lonely
But I can’t trust myself anymore.

I’m the reason
I’m in this situation
So I’ll let him
Run the show.

I’m forever with him,
Forever alone,
Forgotten who I am
Other than I’m out of control.

the truth i don’t know

Archive, Writing

i’d tell you the truth if
i knew it

Awards Time | Some News

Archive, Life

Some news – I’ve been shortlisted for two awards in the Blog Awards Ireland. The first is for “Best Blog Post,” in which “Lose You or Lose Me?” is nominated. The second is for “Best Innovation Blog.” That’s for my YouTube channel, jessiblahtv.

How mental.

Some Upcoming Events – CraicCon & Summer in the City

Archive, Life

YouTube is a big thing that a lot of people don’t get. There are plenty of events held worldwide to celebrate the platform, its content creators and the international communities it creates. One of these events is CraicCon, Irelands very own meet-up for both content creators and subscribers.

Last year, I attended the event (not that you’d know it as I’ve yet to even look at my vlogging footage, wherever it may be – worst daily vlogger ever). Although we all hid under trees for a while, the rain could not dampen our spirit (ba dum dum tsch). Surrounding yourself by people who are hilarious, kind and get you is a great way to spend a day, but the best part is certainly that everybody in attendance is passionate about online video creation and the future of digital media. This year, I’m looking forward to doing it all again and I can’t recommend enough that you join me.

CraicCon is being held at UCD in Dublin this Saturday, and tickets are available anseo for just five euro. The wonderful Marco Danesi (marcoinabox) will be reppin’ YouTube with his panel on collaboration, while the other panel “Craicing YouTube” will see a number of the bigger YouTubers among us discussing their success. When I say that Ireland has some of the best YouTubers in the world here, I honestly mean it. I’ll link a few of my favourites at the bottom of this post.

I’ll also be at Summer in the City for all three days next week, which I’m ecstatic about. This will be my first time in attendance, and I truly adore London. Being in the city again will be wonderful.

That’s all I wanted to say. If you see me at either event, please say hi! I often get tweets after events from people saying they saw me at a concert or wherever, but were too afraid to approach me. But you know, I don’t usually bite!

Slán!

Some of my Favourite Irish YouTubers
WorriedBubble – Rory O’Donnell (gaming/vlogs)
dawnstarmedia – Patrick Corr (film maker)
Nubkeks – Kevin Murray (gaming)
jacksepticeye – Sean McLoughlin (gaming)
MCluvs2laugh – Mary-Claire (vlogs/sketchs)
BrickBreakGaming – Colin Regan, Kieran Tindley, Mike Corcorran (gaming and the odd vlog)
ChewingSand – Hazel Hayes (vlogs)
CharChar3211 – Charlotte Ryan (vlogs/baking)
TheMakeupChair – Sinead Cady (makeup)

Are You My Home?

Archive, Writing

I’ve tried to write this a thousand times, but no words seem good enough for you. I can’t explain how you make me think, feel, what you make me say and do. You’re everything right but it’s all wrong – the timing, the place, the beat of our song. I can’t let you be the one who got away — that’d mean there would come a day without you – but what else am I supposed to do?

You’ve said the same yourself. It’s unfair, but nothing fair comes easy. Is it time we give up, or do we make ourselves work to hold onto something that we should have let go? Because if I leave then my head will be a mess, but if I stay I’m dropping the rest of my life. Don’t they say home is where the heart is? Well my home is in Ireland, but my heart will forever be with you. If the roles were reversed, what would you do? Give it up for me? I couldn’t let you do that. We’re too new to each other to even consider it.

Damn. Did I just help myself decide?

I don’t mind giving it up as long as this, us, is serious. It’s not like I’ve much back home. I’ve a few friends, but without each other we’ll be okay. Three months here, I’m on the last lap in my internship. No matter what I decide, I need to figure out what’s next, and it’s a decision I need to make soon. Otherwise I’ll end up living here on the streets of Cameroon.

Okay. I’ve said it already. I have to go. I can’t give away everything I have to show for myself, only for a man I barely know. But it’s not only a man I barely know. It’s you. Equally exciting and terrifying, you are the unknown.

And that’s why I have to leave.

I think you’re a dream, but nothing is what it seems. Right?

But your smile. Your laugh. Your curious ways. How you crinkle your nose when you laugh so hard you can’t speak. The way we argue without really fighting. Your selflessness and generosity. Your humour and your soul. I’m really torturing myself to try and stay, in case you didn’t know.

How can thinking of you be so torturous, when I giggle upon hearing your name?

On June 28th, I’ll board the plane but I won’t say goodbye. It’ll make it real that this is over. Maybe I can whisper if I try. I’ll keep my eyes dry as I’m lucky to have known you. Even if it wasn’t for a lifetime like I dreamed, loving you was better than I thought life could ever be.

How I Love You

Archive, Writing

I can’t think straight. If I could, my head would be telling me I should wait until the morning, when my mind is clear. When all I can hear is what I want. But in the moment, when you’re looking at me like that, and I know that I’ll never get this chance again, all that’s spinning in my head is to say how I love you.

But do I really? I’m not sure. I’ve never been in love before. They say you know when you are, and I think I know right now. This small part of me, the one that constantly self-doubts has decided to shout. “It’s not love. You’ll make a fool of yourself. It’s too early to tell.”

I feel like I died and God gave me a choice of two doors. Behind one, heaven. The other is hell. It’s up to me where I go, and I really can’t tell. Of course I want heaven, but I won’t know if I’ve chosen rightly until I’m knocking, and I walk in, and next of all I’m stuck inside with no going back. Could this you be a greatly planned trap?

I mean, of course I like you. I always have. Why am I hesitating? It’s been how long since we first started dating, and yet I’m still nervously waiting. Why? In case you don’t love me too? I know that you will one day soon. Saying it first and getting a “thank you” back would be better than to never tell you that. I could die tomorrow and never get to see your reaction when I tell you how I feel – that I do love you. My face can’t deny it, even if I try. They say you can tell by the look in my eye. A picture says a thousand words, but this moment says none but three. I think it’s almost time. All I need is this – to say one, two, three. Breathe.